Death Bringer
by YourRhineStoneEyes
Summary: Toki has been quiet and odd acting ever since his parents dropped by, Skwisgaar wants to know the reason why.
1. Chapter 1

"Dude what's wrong with you?" Skwisgaar asked, he knelt down in front of the couch where Toki sat curled up with his legs pulled against himself.

He'd been like that from the second he saw his parents and even a week after they had left. Everybody agreed to not talk about it or talk to him about it, but they weren't around right now and Skwisgaar was mildly worried.

"Hey Tokis I'm talking to you."

The younger man managed to meet his eyes, but it was more so like he was looking through him for a moment before he came back to reality.

"Nothings wrong with me."

"Finally, yeah it is. You've been fucking weird ever since your parents were here."

"No I haven't, I'm fine"

He tried to make himself relax to prove his point, but he couldn't get himself to do much other than continue sitting there like he was hiding from something nobody else could see.

"Stop lying it's getting dumb, what's up with you?"

"I don't like them, okay, or they don't like me."

"Who does like their parents, I can't stand my mom."

The younger man shook his head.

"No it isn't like you guys with your parents. It's different; I'm a mistake, I wasn't supposed to happen."

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes at the dramatic remark; he really couldn't understand what the rhythm guitarist was being so weird about.

"My mom says the same thing about me every time we talk, you aren't special Toki." He responded smirking at the younger man.

Toki glared at him, "It isn't funny, it isn't like that. My dad said I'm a bad omen, I'm not normal."

"That's not news, you aren't really normal."

Not like he was extremely abnormal either, he was just sort of panic prone and annoyingly childish, but other than that he seemed relatively fine. Skwisgaar still couldn't get why he was being so odd all of the sudden.

"Just forget it, why are you even asking me anyway?"

"I'm worried, okay?"

"Worried" He repeated slowly

"Yeah I can do that, just tell me what's going on. Are you scared of them or something?"

Toki shifted uncomfortably.

"Yeah"

He couldn't bring himself to meet the older man's eyes, he was remembering things again. He'd been remembering things for weeks now and he couldn't stop it. He just kept on waiting for something terrible to happen to him or anybody else.

"What did they do to you?"

Skwisgaar was curious and concerned, even if they all agreed to not be concerned. Nobody was home though so he was allowed to break that rule, besides he really didn't enjoy seeing his band mate like this.

"They didn't want me, I'm some sort of curse; they always told me that. Told me I'm some kind of...I just bring death wherever I go, I'm bad; they always tell me that. I'm just meant to kill or bring death, that's it."

"You don't believe that, right?"

He wanted to laugh, it sounded so stupid, but Toki looked scared.

"I don't know, maybe. I've heard it since I was little, they punished me a lot."

He already didn't like where any of this was going, it made him uncomfortable. Skwisgaar placed a hand on the younger man's knee, he felt him tense then relax under his touch. He looked at him giving a small smile.

"Dad used to whip me and when I fucked up really bad I'd go to the punishment hole."

"What's that?"

"A place they put me when they really didn't want me around or when I messed up really badly. I'd crawl down into this really deep hole, like it just never seemed to end. I'd stay there no food or anything for however long. Sometimes when they let me out they'd take me to the basement, chain me up, and beat me."

Skwisgaar felt pissed off at this point; he tried to hold it back and not let it show, but he was apparently failing, because Toki was looking at him curiously.

"Why would they do that to you?"

"I'd screw up my chores or just because of anything. They said I'm a death bringer and they wanted to keep me away from the world. Maybe hoped I'd die. Sometimes I wanted to."

"Holy fuck, I can't believe they did that to you. You know you didn't deserve that, right?"

"I guess"

Skwisgaar placed a hand on his cheek, "You didn't deserve it, you were just a kid. Shit nobody fucking deserves that."

Toki leaned into his touch, it was nice, and warm. He'd felt cold ever since seeing his parents again, like everything had just been drained completely from him.

"They're shit people who did a fucking terrible thing to you. You aren't a curse, you're you; annoying as fuck, but that's it."

"Thank you"

"Don't, it's no big deal. Just don't tell the others I showed fucking concern, alright?"

"Yeah okay Skwis"

This time he managed to make his body relax more. Skwisgaar sat down next to him, Toki leaned against his side wanting to get as close to the Swedish guitarist as he could without crossing an unseen line.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: I will sort of continue this especially since Rescued is close to being finished. This chapter has slight mention of non-consent, just a mention. I'm not sure how long this story will be, probably not all too long. I'm mostly doing this one to cover Toki and Skwisgaar's back stories and I will also start on another story touching on pre-Dethklok and early part of the band type things.

"Why do you hate your mom so much?" Toki asked looking at Skwisgaar.

He grabbed the vodka bottle from the blond haired man, took a long drink, and then handed it back. They sat on Skwisgaar's bed and had spent the better part of half an hour just sitting and drinking, up until now they had been talking about music and how Skwisgaar hated a lot of the younger man's taste in it.

"She's a whore" He answered simply.

Toki sighed dramatically, he slid down on the mattress, and grabbed the bottle from his friend.

"That's a dumb reason Skwisgaar, I told you about my family."

Skwisgaar scoffed at that, "Yeah right, you barely told me shit about your family."

It wasn't like he really wanted to hear all that much, the small summarized amount that he did know about still made him angry to think about.

"I could go into more detail if you'd like. I want to know about you though, then more about me."

Skwisgaar watched him take another drink, too long of a drink, and grabbed the bottle away from the younger man. He shot him a warning glance before he had the chance to whine; he swore to the Gods that the brunette drank too damn much.

"Fine, what do you want to know?"

"She ever get married, after you were born?"

"Yeah a couple of times, one of them was a real nice guy. He worked in lumber, very loyal and very nice to me...I got along with him well, but she cheated on him and well he left. That's how a lot of them ended up leaving. I hated most of the guys."

"Why didn't you like the other guys?" Toki asked being cautious to not cross a line.

"Mostly one night stands, she fucked a lot of married men. Men who fathered boys I went to school with, as you can guess that was um problematic."

He remembered one of his best friends approaching him rage in his dark brown eyes, before he could ask what was wrong his friend had punched him so hard in the face it had broken his nose and knocked him out. He had been bullied a good bit some for his feminine looks, but a lot of it because of his mother's habit of screwing nearly every man nearing legal age and even some close to death.

"Sorry about that, I was home schooled."

Skwisgaar raised an eyebrow confused, he swore that Toki had mentioned high school once. The younger man noticed the confused look, he pulled himself into a better sitting position.

"I lied, a little; I went to high school a little...A little bit before I ran away, it's one of the reasons I ran away. I would sneak out the best I could and go to the school near by. They didn't like it."

"What kind of things did your parents teach you?"

"The bible; anything to do with God or Gods. Any God basically, just anything to scare me. Taught me how everything was wrong and dangerous, it was a shock when I went to a real school."

The older man laughed, "I bet, what did they do when they found out about you going to school?"

He didn't want to know, but he had to ask.

"My dad took me to the basement room and punished me while mom read bible verses and then I spent a week in the punishment hole."

He started getting that vacant look all over again, Skwisgaar placed his hand over Toki's hand catching his attention.

"Sorry, um what were you saying about your mom again?"

"She's a bitch, what more is there to say?"

"Probably a lot, you acted like you'd puke whenever she was around."

Skwisgaar shoved Toki away so that he could flop down onto the bed, he surrendered the nearly empty vodka bottle back to the rhythm guitarist.

"She was horrible; she called me names. Used to tell me I was like a girl, weak, and I was nothing. Said no woman would want me, her men used to say things like that to me. They'd say my hair was too long, say I looked like a girl, and that I was queer. Some of them would beat on me when they were drunk, she found it funny, but she was drunk too. She didn't remember by the morning, just ask why I had bruises."

It had been part of his breaking point, if he hadn't found that guitar then he never would have had the courage to just leave and go to the states.

"I'm really sorry to hear that, that's horrible."

The blond was sick of talking about it, but his head was spinning. He knew once Toki was on a subject he found interesting he wouldn't back off and Skwisgaar wasn't sure he wanted to hear anymore about the torture of his childhood. Instead the lead guitarist closed his eyes, he let out a long breath.

"Wanna hear about my first time having sex? It was with this woman, I was thirteen. She was way fucking older, some stupid MILF bitch...I knew what sex was, but I didn't know if I wanted to have it; she liked me, found me pretty. We were alone and she...It wasn't great, wasn't even any fucking god. I just remember being really confused and disgusted by her and myself."

He'd hated her, he couldn't even remember her name. That's how he'd started though; he could enjoy sex, he loved sex. Just something about older women, the married women who cheated on their husbands just to screw a rock star, the women who reminded him of his mother or the bitch who had sex with him when he was a teenager. He hated them in his own way, but he gave them what they wanted even if it made him feel disgust.

Toki crawled over to him, he lay down on his side facing the older guitarist.

"That's really horrible, I didn't know about that."

"Nobody does, well now you do." He smiled despite the sad worried look Toki was giving him.

He ran his fingers back through the younger man's hair, it felt soft.

"No more past things right now, yeah...Just right now things."

Toki nodded humming in agreement with what his friend had said, he nuzzled against the palm of Skwisgaar's hand when it was placed on his cheek. They stared at each other, both of them drunker than five circles of Hell and had just spent a good amount of time sharing things their friends didn't know because they chose not to. Skwisgaar took a deep breath holding it, he closed the inch or two of space between them pressing his lips against Toki's. He held it for a second before breaking away releasing the breath he'd been holding. The younger man smiled lazily at him, he kissed Skwisgaar placing a hand against his chest his fingers curling in the material of his shirt. He nipped at the blond haired man's lower lip before breaking away.

"First kiss with a guy?"

"Shut up you idiot" Skwisgaar whispered smiling at him.

They fell asleep curled up against each other, keeping their arms wrapped around each others thin bodies like some silent form of protection from their pasts.


	3. Chapter 3

Skwisgaar sat on his bed playing his guitar, he'd been having a boring slow day so far. He'd had a couple of women earlier, but after that he hadn't had much planned out. He liked the occasional moments of isolation to just sit and play by himself though, the room he chose as his own gave his playing an even greater sound quality. He was interrupted by the door opening and Toki walking in, he shut the door behind him, and went over to the bed flopping down onto his back. Skwisgaar stopped playing and glared down at the younger man who looked up at him curiously, an eyebrow raised.

"Don't you think you should knock first?"

Toki rolled his eyes, "Why, I never knock"

"Oh I don't know I could have had ladies in here, besides it looks weird just having you show up whenever you want."

"It's not like I'm the first guy in your room."

"What's that mean?"

"I've seen guys come and go with your lady friends."

Skwisgaar figured nobody had noticed the times he'd had men in his room.

"Don't tell anybody"

"I wouldn't, not like anybody would think we're doing anything with each other."

He had a point, they spent a lot of their time together so it's not like their band mates would find it odd to see Toki going into Skwisgaar's room. The older guitarist crawled over to the younger man, he leaned down kissing him his blond hair falling down concealing both of their faces. Toki smiled against his lips, he laughed pushing Skwisgaar's hair away from his face.

"What?" Skwisgaar asked as he lay down next to the other man, Toki rolled over so that he could face him.

"You're really weird" He responded, he placed a hand on his chest lifting himself up enough so he could hover over the blond haired man. He kissed him shortly twice then the third time longer, he gave Skwisgaar's lip a nip before pulling back.

"I'm weird, at least I don't act like a brat."

"Yeah you do, you throw fits like a girl."

Skwisgaar pushed the other man onto his back, he moved on top of him straddling his lap.

"Funny coming from you, brat." He kissed him, he went to pull back, but Toki placed a hand on the back of his head pulling him back down.

Skwisgaar moaned into the kiss, he wondered why the hell they hadn't done this sooner. This was the first time they'd done anything since the first time and that was nearly four weeks ago. He tried taking control of the kiss, but lost all forms of dominance when Toki managed to pin him to the bed again. He forgot how strong the younger man was, normally it was something to envy, but now it was just arousing as two types of Hell. He allowed the brown haired man control, moaning when he'd bite and tug at his lower lip, or when his hands would find their way up his shirt and nails would scratch down his chest to his stomach. He felt vacant when Toki got off of him instead lying by his side like he'd been doing before.

"Can I ask you something?" Skwisgaar asked

He rubbed at the younger man's arm, Toki turned his head to face him.

"Sure Skwis, what is it?"

"Before you joined the band, when you were living on the streets how did you manage to...You didn't have anything, how did you get food or anything?"

Toki looked away from him, he stared up at the ceiling instead.

"I um...You don't want to know, it's really gross."

"Come on it can't be that bad."

The younger man let out a long breath before answering, "I did...I sometimes I gave men blow jobs for money, not that often...Just sometimes, I didn't really like it at all. Just I needed something to eat and..."

Skwisgaar took hod of his hand squeezing it gently to get him to stop rambling, Toki looked over at him seeming scared of the reaction he could get from his answer. The blond knew without hearing it that he figured he'd be disgusted with him, but if anything he felt bad. He felt like a dick for asking him in the first place, he felt horrible thinking about the then sixteen year old doing things like that just to barely survive on the streets. Skwisgaar placed a hand against his cheek.

"That's horrible you had to do that"

"You're not mad?"

"Why would I be mad, I didn't know you yet, and if I had then I would have let you live with us."

"Really?"

"Yeah, fuck I was thinking about taking your ass in anyway when you came to audition. You have that stupid lonely puppy dog quality or whatever."

He wished he'd met him sooner, he had hoped Toki would do great during the audition. He'd assumed he wouldn't, but either way he wanted to keep the kid around. He just felt an overwhelming urge to keep him around, maybe to protect him and watch over him. It would have been weird if he'd sucked at playing and he'd insisted on letting Toki stay with them anyway. Even for how much they fought he still liked looking out for him and protecting him, it just came naturally. He hated learning all the terrible shit that he'd been through before he'd joined the band, it surpassed the shit the rest of them had ever gone through in their own lives.

"I had a big crush on you when I joined the band, kind of forgot about it, because I figured you didn't like me."

"You're an idiot" Skwisgaar stated before kissing him.

Toki tucked his head beneath the older man's chin, Skwisgaar wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"I like when you're nice to me."

"Yeah I know"

It didn't happen all that much, it almost came as a shock or out of the ordinary when it did happen. He knew he shouldn't be as hard on Toki as he was, but he felt like he had to be that way.

"You could be nicer more often maybe"

"I'll try, yeah?"

"Thanks Skwis"


	4. Chapter 4

He felt like an asshole for it, but Skwisgaar spent nearly a week avoiding Toki after his father had died. He didn't do consoling, he wasn't raised to console or to be consoled, and in turn he wasn't sure what to do for another person. He just ended up being easily irritated and somehow more self centered than was normal, he didn't mean to, but it happened. It wasn't like his friend came to him after the first time to try and look for comfort; now he was just keeping to himself a lot at night, generally drunk off of his ass to the point the others were starting to notice but pretend that they didn't. Skwisgaar risked going and talking to him at least once, possibly out of pure guilt.

He found the younger man in his bedroom lying on his bed with a half empty bottle of booze held limply in his right hand. Skwisgaar took the bottle from him earning an annoyed whine from the other definitely drunk male who glared and tried to get the bottle back from the blond. Skwisgaar placed a hand against his chest giving a light shove knocking the younger man back down onto the bed, he sat the bottle out of reach. He knew Toki was too drunk to even consider getting up to retrieve it, besides how off balance he was Skwisgaar could just barely tap him on the shoulder and he'd be on his ass all over again. The lead guitarist leaned back against the wall wondering what he should even say, maybe apologize, but that sounded dumb. He wasn't sure he should apologize or what the hell for, he hadn't really done anything wrong...He'd just sort of stayed as far away from Toki as he could when he needed support.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm fine, why are you here?"

"Check on you, you've been acting dumb as fuck lately. How are you doing with...The thing with your dad dying?"

"It's okay"

He couldn't even understand how it was even affecting him, the man sounded like he'd been a complete bastard. Skwisgaar couldn't understand mourning a person like that, but hell he wasn't even sure if that was what was wrong.

"He used to lock me out of the house when I was little, if I broke something or slept too late. He'd drag me outside and whip me then just leave me outside for a day or two. If I was lucky anyway, other than that he'd chain me to a wall and whip me...Gods I hate that fucking whip." He laughed sadly, he ran shaky fingers back through his hair and swallowed hard.

"I forgave him before he...I just did, maybe I deserved it; fuck maybe I deserve a lot of things."

Skwisgaar couldn't come up with anything to say in response to that, he sort of just waited for the younger man to break down crying, but he didn't. Instead he managed to crawl over to where Skwisgaar was sitting, he curled up on his side resting his head on the older man's lap.

"You ever see the marks on my back?"

The older guitarist idly ran his fingers along Toki's back, yeah he'd seen them plenty of times. He'd taught himself years ago to not stare though or to ask, he didn't want to know.

"Yeah I've seen them"

He moved his hand up so he could run his fingers through Toki's hair instead.

"I hate it when I have sex with people, because they see them. Always feel like they're staring or think I'm sick or something, ugly or deformed...I don't know"

"Nobody cares about them, you aren't ugly."

"No, but the scars are."

"Take your shirt off and lay on your back, okay?"

"Why?"

"Just do it"

Toki managed to sit long enough to clumsily remove his shirt then flop onto his stomach, he looked back towards the older man wondering what he wanted. Skwisgaar knelt beside of him, he stroked his hand over his back and the bumps on his skin where each long scar was. He leaned closer until the ends of his hair brushed against his skin, he pressed his lips against one of the marks. Toki let out a shuddering breath, eyes still locked on Skwisgaar watching him. He continued kissing the scars on his skin while his fingers rubbed his side comforting him.

"They aren't ugly, they're part of you. Now stop being so stupid and get some sleep."

"Can you stay with me?"

"Yeah sure"

Skwisgaar laid down on the bed, Toki pressed himself against him burying his face against his chest.


	5. Chapter 5

"I'm sorry!"

"No you're not, you're a fucking bastard Skwisgaar" Toki yelled back

He took a step back when the younger man moved towards him, he was pissed, and when Toki was pissed off that was a bad thing. Skwisgaar hadn't meant what he had said to him, but things had been weird and stressful. Ever since that stupid sobriety show where the rhythm guitarist had murdered that guy, they had never seen him that angry before. They'd seen him angry, dealt with him throwing the odd tantrum, but that had been a full blown animal like rage. As wrong as it was they had avoided Toki after it had happened, they weren't scared of him just wary. It had reminded them of Magnus, how crazy he had been before they had thrown him out of the band.

"I didn't mean it"

"Fuck you, there's...I trusted you, I thought you cared about me."

"Toki come on"

"Fuck you Skwisgaar"

Toki turned and stormed out of the room, Skwisgaar followed after him only stopping when Toki went into his own room slamming the door shut behind him. He shouldn't have said any of that. He shouldn't had even avoided him to begin with, Toki wasn't a fucking thing like Magnus. He wasn't like that, he was just that homeless kid they picked up off of the street; he was fucking harmless. He'd just been going through a lot, keeping things to himself, and it all came out. Skwisgaar knew himself to be a dick especially to the rhythm guitarist, but even he had to admit saying what he had had crossed a line. Calling him a monster, telling him he was scared of him...He hadn't really meant it.

"Tokis please just open the door, I'm fucking sorry. Please just open the door, I swear to Odin I didn't fucking mean any of that."

"Why do you even want to fucking see me, didn't you say I'm sick?" The younger man yelled through the door.

Skwisgaar wondered for a moment if anyone else was home or at least within range to hear their fighting. He wasn't concerned about it; the rest of the band was used to the two guitarists fighting like children. Sometimes they goaded them on and other times they just left them to their own over dramatic bull shit knowing it would resolve itself once one or both of them realized they were being dicks. Skwisgaar already knew he was being a dick, he was openly admitting that he was being a dick. He knocked on the door again, another announcement of being sorry.

"Just can we talk, actually talk?"

He was met with silence, with his luck Toki probably had headphones on and wasn't listening to a thing he was trying to say to him. Skwisgaar stepped away from the door thinking about leaving, he stopped when the door opened. Toki stood there staring up at him looking wary and maybe even scared. He stepped aside allowing the blond haired man into his room, he closed the door quietly behind him. Skwisgaar sat down on the bed, he patted the space next to him and Toki looked for a moment before joining him.

"What happened, when you...When you killed that guy?"

"Please can we not talk about this Skwis?"

"Just tell me, I'm not mad or anything."

Toki sighed heavily, he began twirling a strand of hair around his index finger for a second then dropped his hand back onto his lap.

"I don't know, I don't; I really, really don't. He was just pissing me off and he wouldn't get the hell away from me. I just...I was just going to beat him up a little, just to get him to screw off. I couldn't stop though, it's like."

The younger guitarist paused, he let out another long heavy breath; he ran his fingers back through his hair. He kept his eyes locked on the floor and began biting at his bottom lip like he was scared to keep on talking. Skwisgaar wanted to comfort him for the first time in days; he kept thinking about the night it had happened; Pickles had gotten arrested for assault, Ofdensen had taken care of that quickly after taking care of what Toki had done. Nobody had wanted anywhere near the youngest member of their band; he'd still been on some weird rage high, he had still been soaked with blood, and just grunted and whined like an annoyed child when Charles had chastised him about why he shouldn't kill people.

"It isn't the first time it's happened to me." He whispered

"It happened before when I was a lot younger, when I was a kid. I had gone into town one day, my parents hadn't known...They never knew, they never allowed me in town, I always went without permission. This boy, older than me he knew about my father and the church; he thought we were freaks and crazy. He threw rocks at me, I ignored him, and then he began kicking and hitting me. I begged him to stop, but he wouldn't. He just kept on beating the shit out of me and then...Something happened, I blacked out and I just grabbed his leg, and knocked him on the ground. I barely remember anything, I just know there was a lot of blood and it stopped when my father grabbed me by my throat and threw me off of him. He told me it's part of my curse; I kill people, because I'm sick and I'm evil."

His breathing was uneven and he was shaking, he was starting to cry.

"You're right; I'm a monster, I'm really fucked up. I try, I always try to keep it inside; I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to bring death or to actually kill somebody, I don't want to hurt somebody. I don't...I'm scared...I should just kill myself."

"Toki stop it" Skwisgaar grabbed hold of Toki's arm squeezing firmly.

Toki still wasn't looking at him, but tears were rolling down his cheeks now. Skwisgaar took hold of his face forcing him to turn his head and look at him.

"Toki, don't say that about yourself. What I said was wrong, you just worried me."

He avoided saying he'd been scared, he'd been scared. He had thought Toki would have gotten his ass kicked, he'd been willing to punch the asshole in the face if he'd laid a hand on the younger man, but when Toki had attacked him...He sort of just felt totally shocked.

"Liar"

"You...You reminded us of Magnus when you did that, that's why we've been weird about this. We all cared about him, he was one of my friends, and then he just got really violent. It reminded me of that, okay? I don't want you to be like him."

He brushed his thumb against Toki's cheek wiping stray tears away, the younger man flinched when he touched him.

"It's okay, you aren't him. I know you aren't him...Are we okay?" He asked voice gentle, worried his friend was still angry with him.

He hadn't meant to call him names or to make him feel like they hated him. They cared about him more than he knew or they were willing to admit, but Skwisgaar would admit it the best that he could when they were alone. He wanted to admit a few things to him, but it wasn't time for that yet.

"Yeah, we're okay"

"Your father was a bastard, you aren't a murderer or a grim reaper or whatever shit he told you. If you were cursed I'd be dead, wouldn't I?" Skwisgaar asked smiling a bit

Toki nodded slowly in agreement with what the older man was saying.

"You'd be dead if I loved you" He said smirking

"Right I forgot you hate me, right?" He asked laughing

"A lot" Toki leaned up kissing him, Skwisgaar tangled his fingers in his hair.

He lay down on the bed pulling Toki down on top of him, he smiled against his lips.

"Would you mind hanging out with me today, since the others are kind of still..."

"Yeah, I want to; I owe you since I've been such a dick lately."

Toki kissed him again before sitting up pulling Skwisgaar up with him.

"Come on I could use a drink or something" He said taking hold of the younger man's hand and leading him out of the room and into the kitchen which thankfully was empty for the first time that day.

The two of them sat and drank talking carefully to one another feeling out areas that were still sensitive and ones that were okay. Skwisgaar refrained from apologizing again, got annoyed anytime Toki would try to talk down about himself. He hated the way Toki's father had trained him to hate himself like it was the most normal thing in the world. He didn't understand how messed up it was that he could so casually hate himself, want to hurt himself; Skwisgaar couldn't imagine what the hell he would do without him. He tried not to think too much about it, he took chances when he knew nobody would come in to pull Toki closer to him and kiss him. He'd whisper to him how much he wants him; five beers and three shots of whiskey in they moved to Skwisgaar's room where they continued to drink and drunkenly make out with each other. They'd only break apart to laugh or to lightly insult each other, they both ended up half dressed and mildly aroused before passing out. Skwisgaar on his back legs dangling over the side of his bed and Toki laying across his stomach.


	6. Chapter 6

"Why are you pissed, you're acting like a girl."

"I'm not acting like a girl, you're acting like a whore."

"So?" Skwisgaar yelled back arms stretched out before dropping back down at his sides.

He wasn't sure what was going on; it was just the normal. They played a show near by and Skwisgaar had at least eight women come back to Mordhaus. When they had left a raging rhythm guitarist had been sitting in the living room waiting to fight with him. He didn't know why he was pissed, Skwisgaar always had women over, and in other places.

"Is this because nobody wants to fuck you or what?"

"No it isn't, it doesn't have to do with that, and I have plenty of groupies I just don't want them anymore."

"Why not?" The older man asked not really understanding why his guitar counterpart did this.

It wasn't like this was the first time he said he didn't want to have casual sex with men or women, but it was the first time it somehow ended up with a fight between the two of them. One where Skwisgaar felt like he was completely left out of.

"You don't fucking get it"

"Get what, just tell me and stop acting like a baby."

"I don't want to fuck anybody else, because I got you."

"Okay so you just want to have sex with me, what does that have to do with me?"

"I thought we could...Why do you have to fuck other people anyway?"

"I like options" The older man replied

Toki sat down on the couch looking frustrated and defeated.

"Never mind"

"You know I don't do dating"

"Bull shit" The younger man replied angrily glaring pointedly at the blond haired man.

"You dated that girl in Sweden, so don't tell me you don't do the stupid dating thing."

Right he'd kind of hoped Toki had forgotten about that. He remembered coming back and a good week of the younger guitarist acting odd around him, he'd just shrugged it off and figured he was pissed he'd come back at all. He knew Toki wished he was the lead guitarist, but that would happen the day that Hell froze over. He didn't think he'd been upset over the girlfriend thing, didn't think it exactly mattered all that much.

Skwisgaar sat down next to him on the couch.

"Yeah okay I dated her"

"So why the fuck can't you and me have something"

"That would be weird"

"Would not"

"Yeah it would, completely homo and you don't date band mates."

"So you can fuck me, but you can't do anything else. That just makes me like your stupid sluts."

"Does not, what's with you anyway? This shit used to not bother you."

"I don't know, you're right I'm just being fucking stupid. Let's just not talk about this anymore."

Skwisgaar wrapped an arm around the younger man's shoulders, Toki leaned against his side.

"I care about you, I just think it'd be weird if we...I don't know, this is fine, right?"

"It was, maybe we should just stop. It really sucks."

Skwisgaar leaned back against the couch, Toki joined him curling up against his side with his head resting against the older guitarist's chest. He took hold of Skwisgaar's hand his index and middle fingers tracing along the palm of his hand.

"I don't want to stop, I like what we have even if it's really complicated and weird."

"Yeah until you get bored of me or something."

"Shut up, you're such a brat."

"Am not"

"I can try and pay more attention to you, will that make you feel better?"

The younger man shrugged

"Seriously just talk to me, I'm kind of worried about you."

Really worried, but he wasn't going to say that.

"Mean it?" He asked looking up at the older man.

"Yeah idiot, we all are even if we don't say anything."

He knew they weren't paying all that much attention to him lately, he also knew Toki craved attention. He couldn't really blame him, it got annoying, but it was understandable. He went from being left out in the cold or shoved down into nearly bottomless pits and left for weeks without seeing another person, he spent most of his childhood barely speaking a word. He wanted attention, just wanted to feel like somebody; anybody cared about him. Skwisgaar did the best that he could, but it admittedly wasn't a whole lot. He had his own issues making it hard for him to express himself or to care as much as was needed. He really didn't have a reasonable excuse as to why he could date that girl in Sweden, but he couldn't date Toki. He couldn't even use gender as an excuse, everybody knew he had sex with men; it really wasn't a huge fucking secret that the two guitarists liked men and that Toki possibly preferred them a lot of the time. Skwisgaar just didn't want to fuck things up with the band or his friendship, he'd known him for way too long to fuck that up. Not like what they were doing now was exactly normal, but he didn't want to give this up either.

Toki kissed him, fingers curling against the front of his black shirt. He broke away staring into the older man's eyes, "I...I lo-never mind"


	7. Chapter 7

"I just don't want you hanging out with him, okay?"

"Why not, at least he likes being around me."

Skwisgaar ran his hand back through his hair, he made a frustrated sound. They had this conversation seemingly every day ever since the younger guitarist began hanging around Magnus. Skwisgaar had hoped he'd never see or hear from that bastard again, but now here he was again. Admittedly he didn't come around Mordhaus much, smart on his behalf, but he was still hanging around Toki every chance that he got. It made them all uneasy, nobody talked about it though; no caring rule and all that shit. Plus now new problems were coming up, nobody really cared. The only person really bothered by it was Skwisgaar.

"He's a bastard, I've told you this. We kicked him out of the band, because he's crazy."

"He isn't crazy, he's fine. I like being around him and he hasn't hurt me or anything, he just doesn't like you guys."

"He doesn't like you either you idiot, you replaced him. Gods Toki why do you have to be so fucking stupid, you...It's frustrating as fuck, you know that? Why can't you just deal with shit like the rest of us?"

"What just drink and do drugs and pretend I don't get lonely?"

"Yeah basically"

"Whatever, it doesn't matter does it? Can't I just have this one fucking friend, the band is fucked anyway. Right?" Toki asked quietly, he looked up at the older man hopefully.

He knew the younger man wanted to hear things were fine, Pickles and Nathan would grow the fuck up and shit would be fine. He didn't want to lie that badly though, he had never seen the two fight like this, and he had to admit it scared the shit out of him. It scared the shit out of both guitarists and their bassist, to be honest none of them knew where to go or what to do if they lost this.

Skwisgaar didn't want to talk about the band breaking up or about how he wanted Toki far away from Magnus. He crawled over to the younger man placing a hand on his inner thigh, his friend raised an eyebrow watching him carefully. Skwisgaar kissed him softly then pulled back smirking at him. Toki placed a hand on his chest gripping onto the front of his shirt; he pulled the older man down on top of him pressing his lips hard against Skwisgaar's. Fingers tangled in blond hair tugging, Skwisgaar settled his left leg between the younger man's legs. Toki went from pulling his hair to tugging and pushing at his shirt groaning with frustration that amused the older male. Skwisgaar pulled back making a show of pulling his shirt off, even with the roll of his eyes he could still see the highly aroused intense way that Toki watched him. He always watched him like he worshiped him or hated him, maybe both. Toki sat up going to kiss at the older man, but Skwisgaar pushed him back down.

"Shirt off, only fair"

He smiled at the other man as he hurriedly removed his own shirt tossing it onto the floor, he placed a hand on the back of the blond's neck pulling him into another rough and intimate kiss. His sharp teeth biting into Skwisgaar's full bottom lip, the older guitarist's calloused fingers wandered along scarred skin. He moved from his lips to the younger man's neck trailing the tip of his tongue against the shell of his ear sending chills down his friend's spine.

"Skwis what are we going to do when the band breaks up?"

"Don't worry about it"

He nipped at his neck earning a small moan.

"Where am I going to live or do?"

Skwisgaar pulled back enough so that he could look the other man in the eye.

"I'm not leaving you alone Toki, you'll come with me if you want."

Toki smiled, he kissed the older man smiling against his lips.

"Where are we going to live?"

"Anywhere in the world, anywhere you want to. Just I promise we'll be together, okay?"

"Yeah, okay Skwis"

Skwisgaar went back to kissing his neck, teeth piercing skin earning another moan except louder this time. He gripped tightly to the younger man's hips pulling them up against him. Skwisgaar ran the tip of his tongue along his collar bones then down along his chest, he dug his nails into Toki's skin. The younger man's back arched up off of the bed when he flicked his tongue over his right nipple.

"Won't it kill your sex life if girls see me living with you?"

"Who said I'd have girls over?"

He smirked at the confused look the other man gave him. Skwisgaar sat back, Toki was soon on his knees wanting to know more about what the older man had just said.

"No girls, you always have girls."

"Yeah, here, but they upset you. The band won't be a thing anymore, just the two of us."

Skwisgaar pulled the younger man closer until he was settled on his lap, he went back to kissing and biting at the side of his neck. Toki leaned his head to the side allowing Skwisgaar more exposed skin to mark, though his teeth couldn't break skin the way that the younger guitarist's could.

"No sluts...You're lying about all this right?"

"I'm not, I mean it. Just the two of us, anywhere you want to live, and I won't get with anybody else. Just you."

Skwisgaar couldn't explain how happy it made him to see Toki look at him the way he did just then, it was so genuine for the first time in a long time. He couldn't hold back the moan when Toki kissed him, it was so passionate and loving. He actually wanted to fucking say it, just tell him, but the words were hard even when he couldn't find a reason not to say it. He hoped he could feel it in the way he kissed back with the same intensity and passion, the way he did his best to hold his body against his. He paid attention to every part of his body with his mouth and his hands, even if the band was ending he'd still be with Toki. He'd known him too long, knew how he couldn't survive on his own especially the way he was lately. Skwisgaar didn't care, he wanted to look after him, keep him around. He meant it when he said he'd give up one night stands, he'd give up fucking anything just as long as the two of them weren't separated.

He moaned loudly and increased his pace when nails dug into his back. He liked the marks, liked the way Toki scratched his skin and the way that he bit him. Skwisgaar focused on making him feel good, bringing him to his climax before coming to his own. He always made the most feminine yet feral sounds, it was oddly arousing to him; so much better than any of the men or women he'd been with before.

Afterward the two of them lay together in the middle of Skwisgaar's bed, the younger man was curled up against him. His fingers playing with long golden locks of hair, Skwisgaar would press kisses against the top of his head, forehead, and the tip of his nose. He knew he was still worrying, still scared about what their futures held.

Their spell of being in their own world was broken by the sound of a phone ringing. Toki was quickly out of bed and grabbing his jeans off of the floor, he removed his phone answering it and moving away so that Skwisgaar couldn't hear his conversation. The older man roll over onto his back rubbing his hands over his face as he groaned, he already knew who it was. He had the thought of taking his phone away from him, holding it out of reach, and telling Magnus to go rot in Hell like the pathetic animal he was. He knew better than that though, he didn't want to make Toki as mad at him as he was at Pickles. Anytime somebody talked badly about Magnus around him he got beyond defensive, you'd think he thought the crazed ex-guitarist was a God. It made Skwisgaar uneasy, he hoped it'd just end or Magnus would get bored or whatever the hell he wanted.

Toki came back four minutes later, he tossed his phone onto the end of the bed. He got back in with the older man, Skwisgaar wrapped an arm around his shoulders drawing him closer to him.

"Who was that?"

"Nobody"

"Toki"

"It wasn't Magnus, okay?"

"Just promise me you wont' talk to him anymore, okay?"

"Why?"

"Promise me, just don't."

The younger man looked at him like he could start yelling or throwing a tantrum, but instead chose to get as close as he could to the older male.

"Fine" He answered sounding annoyed and defeated.

Skwisgaar really wished he could believe him just as badly as he wished he could tell him he loved him.


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: Thanks to everybody reading this, close to the end. I know I'm in Doomstar territory, because well I really love things about it. Plus this sort of ties in with the track Partying Around the World and how if you pay attention that track is actually kind of depressing when you realize they're just doing all of that to just kind of not feel guilty or really messed up. So right I'd say one or two more chapters and then back to just Deeper Connection. Thanks again to everybody who has been reading this.

Shock he was in shock, they were all in shock. Nobody spoke when they got back to Mordhaus, they all just went to their own rooms. Skwisgaar didn't even bother with lighting he just undressed and lay down on his bed staring up at the ceiling. It was maybe a good two hours until the reality of the situation hit him and he began crying. The image was burned into his brain and no matter how tightly he closed his eyes or how hard he pulled at his hair and cried out at the burning pain in his scalp he could not erase it. It was there and he couldn't make it stop. He had fallen asleep crying.

When he woke up even the atmosphere felt different, nothing felt right and he assumed it was just a dream. One of those really long ones like people in movies have, they wake up and realize the past month was just some stupid dream. His band hadn't broken up over some stupid girl, and nobody was dead. He dressed and went to Toki's room, the door was open, and it was vacant. He stood in the doorway for a minute or two just looking around the room. Yesterday, it just happened yesterday and yet the room already felt long abandoned. He slowly sat down onto the bed like he was scared to touch anything; he spent nearly the entire day in Toki's room almost like he was waiting for him to come in and ask why he looked so sad.

By a week in everybody was on edge in their own ways. Murderface seemed angrier, stabbing at every wall and piece of furniture way more than usual. Nathan seemed to drink more than normal and talked a hell of a lot less. Pickles looked stressed and sleep deprived, he would snap at each of them from time to time for seemingly no reason. Skwisgaar on the other hand didn't talk at all, not around the others; he was never seen without his guitar and seemed to never stop playing except to sleep. He'd just go back to his bedroom, he felt sick being around his band mates. Nobody was talking about it, he knew that was a thing among them, because talking about it made it real and nobody wanted for it to be real. Skwisgaar sat in his room, lights off like they had been for over a week. He sat with his guitar on his lap playing slowly, his fingers hurt; they were scarred and blistered from the constant abuse, and honestly he felt he deserved to hurt. He thought back to the funeral; he'd been relieved that Pickles and Nathan had stopped acting like idiots. He'd figured things would be okay again, they'd all go back to normal and the stupid shit would be forgotten. He just wanted things to be like they had been all that time ago, he fucking missed the old days. He missed it, a lot. He then pictured Magnus again, holding Toki back away from them, thought back to the knife and seeing it pierce through his band mate. Seeing the blood soaked blade go through him. The look of pain and terror in wide blue eyes. Skwisgaar played faster, harder as his thoughts went darker. He should have, they should have done something more. They should have kept him away from Magnus. They should have forced him away from him, who fucking cares of Toki had thrown a fit over it or not? He did that, he was immature as hell, he always acted like a fucking kid. It was so irritating.

"I'm sorry" He whispered his own voice sounding foreign even to himself.

It had been awhile since the last time he'd spoken.

Skwisgaar should have kept a better eye on him, shouldn't have treated him like shit. Why couldn't he have let him take the stage just one fucking time, was it even that important? Why did he have to make the younger man feel so pathetic and useless, he didn't mean to. He tried, he really tried to make it up to him. He wanted to change things between them, make it like it was back long ago when Toki had first joined the band. Back when Skwisgaar looked after him and protected him, but that had changed over time.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I'm sorry I'm sorry"

He saw the blood staining his guitar and felt the painful burning shooting through his hand. He couldn't say it enough, but it didn't fucking matter. He was alone and Toki was...Fuck no he didn't want to think about that. Ofdensen had said Abigail and Toki weren't dead, they were alive and they would find them. There wasn't anything to worry about, but why were they all so fucking tense if there was nothing to worry about? Weren't they supposed to look out for each other? They should have paid more attention to him, stopped bullying him and pretending that it was okay. Skwisgaar figured it was okay though, figured that Toki knew they didn't mean the shit that they said. They'd fucking do anything for him, was that even true though?

"I'm sorry"

He just wanted him back, he just wanted to hold him, and touch him. He missed having Toki in his bed with him, missed him lying on his stomach and watching as he played guitar. He missed their stupid arguments and their fights, the way the younger guitarist would glare at him when he upset him. He missed kissing his scars and telling him he was beautiful no matter what, even if it just meant Toki teasing him and saying he was more attractive than Skwisgaar. He missed falling asleep with a warm familiar body against his, he missed the security in that, because he never let anybody close. Skwisgaar didn't let people in, he didn't love them, or tell them about the darkest and saddest parts of himself. One person, one fucking person and he let him be killed.

"It's my fault, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

One of the strings on his guitar broke making him stop, he looked down at his bloodied hand. The pain was so terrible that it throbbed, he could barely feel his fingertips anymore. He knew he should clean the wounds, clean the new and old blood stains off of his guitar, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't fucking do it just like he couldn't protect Toki, like he couldn't tell him he loved him.

Skwisgaar broke down crying, he curled up on his side holding his guitar close to his body. He cried hard enough to cause his body to ache and a pounding to start in his head. He couldn't stop it, he almost didn't want to stop even though he knew it didn't solve anything. Crying was pathetic and weak, he remembered Toki would cry over about anything; he never hid how he felt and that was weak on his part. It had been endearing though, Skwisgaar liked knowing when he'd gone too far or when he did something right. He wondered how he would have responded to hearing Skwisgaar say he loved him, he remembered years ago when that bastard with the metal mask had nearly shot them both in the head, remembered thinking that Toki was going to tell him he loved him. He'd said he hated him, but he didn't sound angry or like he meant it that way at all. Skwisgaar honestly could have died happy with that confession in itself, he could have died by his side and been alright with it. He was never sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. It had to had been a good thing, because this right now was hell. This was eating him alive on the inside and he couldn't make it stop; he didn't care what Ofdensen said. He knew that if Toki wasn't dead right now that he wasn't in good condition, that he was being hurt, and the longer it took then the worse it would be. He just wanted to see him one more time, that's it. Just once, just to tell him he loved him.

By two months people were talking, rumors spreading, and they were making more money than they had before. At the one month mark of Toki and Abigail being missing it had been suggested that they go back to how things were before. Skwisgaar had initially hated the idea, been disgusted by it, but had never said anything. It helped that the drugs and the alcohol did help him forget even if it was just for a little while. He found the more meth he did the less he felt, the more alcohol he drank then he less he would think about it, and the more women he fucked the less time he had to be alone in his room hating himself. He knew it was fucked up and it was wrong in a hundred different ways, but what they did before wasn't any better. Skwisgaar didn't want to spend his life crying and hurting himself. Feelings hurt, love hurt; he didn't want to feel those things anymore. He just wanted to be comfortably numbed and drugged up, he hated himself for it, but he wanted to forget Toki ever existed to begin with. His friends seemed to be doing well with it, so why couldn't he?

There were still nights where he would be completely alone in his room, nights where he'd start to come down from a high or drinking binge and remember things he didn't want to. He'd remember what it was like to have lips against his neck or calloused fingers roughly grabbing him and pulling him against a firm body. He'd remember seeing a knife being stabbed through a body he had kissed and touched a million times over and the God awful sound of pain that accompanied it. When the bad thoughts came he'd push them away with more meth, maybe another slut, and another bottle of vodka. You couldn't be hurt by memories of somebody if you forgot they ever existed.


	9. Chapter 9

God when they found him, when they finally found him it was the best and the worst day in Skwisgaar's life. To see his friend, brother, and even his lover as odd as the word felt in his mind and felt rolling off of his own tongue; to see him tied upside down on that wooden crucifix. To think for several seconds that he possibly wasn't even alive, because he looked so far from alive. He looked as dead as the creature that his overly religious parents had told him he was. Skwisgaar knew Nathan had to think the same thing, he had held the young male's nearly limp body just staring at him, holding him up knowing his legs were barely working. He wasn't dead, but he was close; if he didn't die from infection or starvation then he would have died by whatever sick fucking idea came into the mind of the Assassin. Skwisgaar didn't want to let him go; he was more than happy to prop him up, to keep an arm wrapped around his too small middle while the younger man's form leaned against him relying on Skwisgaar to keep him upright. He hated to admit it, he hated to admit it after the Hell they had been through for over a year now; he hated to admit it when he had Toki's nearly lifeless body leaning against his side, but seeing Magnus impaled and dying...It saddened him. Not a lot, not enough to cry, but enough to shock him; it shocked all four of them. They had talked about killing him, not in passing or as an unwanted alternative, but as a full plan. They would have killed Magnus themselves even if he had changed his mind or begged, they would have killed him. Skwisgaar and Nathan had talked before about it, talked about ripping him limb for limb for what he did to the youngest member of their band. Yet seeing him there all of that rage went away, it disappeared and gave away to the pure shock of reality. Reality was coming in waves of shock. The shock they felt the day Magnus stabbed Toki, the shock they felt when the priest died, the shock of seeing their friend tied to those crosses, and now the shock of seeing Magnus dying with a blade piercing through his body. A knife through his back like how he'd done to his supposed friends.

The blacked out moments were a bit less clear; it ended with the Assassin lying dead on the ground, well what was left of him. Nobody wasted time to ask what had happened or what would happen now, the building was falling in on itself from all of the shaking violence and the years of neglect and abuse. Toki was the only one who didn't turn to leave; he stood on extremely shaky legs and stared at the two men who had spent over a year torturing him, abusing him, and telling him how they would kill him and his friends. Skwisgaar grabbed him by the wrist, but he knew that the younger man wouldn't keep up on his own feet, he'd fall down after just a couple of steps. Skwisgaar wrapped an arm around his waist pulling his body against his side, he found it was actually easy to move quickly even with the dead weight of his friend leaning and relying on him completely. Even if it slowed him down he wouldn't have cared or complained; he would get out of there and Toki would come with him and that was a fact. It was such relief to reach outside, the cold night air hitting his face and chilling wind blowing through his long blond hair.

The ride back home was spent in silence; a disturbing type of silence. The kind that you witnessed only in the ending of a horror movie; in the movies the survivors came out bloodied and traumatized with a glimmer of hope. The sun would be rising symbolizing that everything would be alright and that all trauma would be forgotten within a day or two. Reality didn't work that way though; in reality you got back to your too quiet and too large home. You took your traumatized, mute, and scarred friends to the infirmary. Within two hours the depressed and never too caring doctor comes out to mumble in a bored tone that Abigail was okay, she was dehydrated and had bruises and cuts but she would be fine. He then went on to say how Toki wouldn't talk, one eye was possibly severely damaged from not regularly receiving his medications, his ribs were bruised, the stab wound (one of twenty) was very infected and it appeared that the original wound had been sewn shut but repeatedly opened and prodded, there was a slight infection from where something had cut into his throat, and apparently if he hadn't been murdered then he would have just killed over in another week or so.

Skwisgaar stayed when the others left to their own rooms; he knew they would get drunk, they hadn't had anything to drink, snort, or smoke for months now. Skwisgaar would love to smoke enough crystal meth to blow every brain cell that remained in his pretty blond head, but he couldn't. He stayed behind, he stayed with his barely sentient friend; he sat in an uncomfortable chair refraining from complaining about how the stupid plastic chair made his ass hurt. He lay his head on top of his folded arms on the stiff hospital bed, he smiled sadly when he felt shaking fingers pet his head. Toki was staring at him, he knew he wouldn't talk and feared it'd be a long time until he ever would again. What if he never talked again, what if he couldn't play guitar anymore or he was just completely fucked out of his mind. Skwisgaar hated himself every time he looked at him, it hurt, but he didn't want to stop looking at him or to leave his side. He did his best to fall asleep, focusing only on very familiar fingers going through his hair.

Physically he healed, rather quickly; it was always shocking just how quickly he managed to heal. Nobody knew why or how he did it, but he did. It was the mental part that didn't change. He still wouldn't talk, loud noises startled him causing him to pull his legs up against his body like he was hiding. For nearly a week he kept to himself; less out of comfort and more so out of some sick new instinct. He'd been locked inside of a room for a year and a half. Abigail told them things, not everything, and they were more than grateful to not know everything. She said they had been kept together; tight heavy metal dog collars wrapped too tightly around their throats and a short chain between them. If one moved too much then the collar would choke the other, they would be unchained long enough for one of them; generally Toki to be taken somewhere else. She said when he'd come back he'd be more quiet if that were even possible, he'd bury his face against her chest and cry until he'd just pass out either from pain or pure exhaustion. She never knew what happened and she didn't ask for the same reason none of them asked to know everything that happened in that place.

He started sleeping with Skwisgaar soon enough; he didn't speak. He just crawled into the older man's bed, kept his head resting against his chest and held tightly onto his hand. Skwisgaar found it hard to sleep the first couple of nights; in what light poured into his room he could see the scars and he would count them. He would risk touching him, Toki would often times flinch or whimper until he realized Skwisgaar wasn't going to do anything to him. He wanted to ask, he wanted to know so many things, but he didn't. He never wanted to know and it made him feel selfish. He would trace the healing red cuts going around his throat from where that disgusting collar had cut into his pale flesh. He would be careful when touching the multiple stab wounds that were healing slowly but surely. His eyes were looking better, but still there was a possibility that his vision was permanently damaged. He was gaining weight back, but it was difficult just like everything else. He acted scared to eat, like he was waiting for food to be taken away from him. They didn't know until Abigail told them that Magnus used to feed her, but Toki was different. He would put what supposedly was food into a dog bowl, but it was ground up and rotting raw meat. She swore that it was human, but she never wanted to say that out loud. Half of the time when the young male would crawl eagerly towards the food he got for the week it'd be kicked away then a boot would connect with his chin knocking him back onto the ground; he'd hit his head hard enough to knock himself out.

Every new thing that they found out made it all worse. They never talked about it, but it made them feel guiltier and filled them with this thought that they all shared, but didn't want an answer to.

They had waited a year and a half to go look for their friends, they had known Toki since he was a teenager. They had taken him in as a teenager and in a way had raised him, he was their shared brother and in a way to Nathan he was like a son, but they had left him for so long even going so far as to pretend he didn't exist. So what if it had been somebody else? Any one of them, it could have been any of them. They all feared it would have taken just as long and they also feared it would have taken less time.

They shared guilt about this, relief came with guilt possibly more guilt than before. Skwisgaar sometimes felt the worst out of them.

The worst guilt he felt was the day a month in when Toki finally started talking again. Skwisgaar had forgotten he could even speak, he just seemed to be mute now, but the sound of angry shaky yelling was unmistakable. He ran into the kitchen to see Toki standing there screaming at Nathan who looked like he was trying to stay calm but Skwisgaar could tell it was hard as hell to do.

"You assholes left me for a year, I missed a year of my life, because of you!"

He shoved the large man, but he barely budged which wasn't shocking considering his size compared to the still too skinny man shoving and punching him. Toki was pissed, but not like they had seen him before, mostly he was broken and hurt. Skwisgaar tried to get him away from the singer who didn't have much to say other than "You don't understand" which wasn't making the situation any better. Skwisgaar should have seen it coming when Toki punched him in the face knocking him onto the ground. His hurt and rage filled eyes now glaring down at him.

"Why, tell me why" He demanded, hands balled into fists at his sides.

Skwisgaar looked past him to Nathan who stood there looking completely lost as to what to do.

"I've got it" Skwisgaar told the black haired man.

Nathan gave him an unsure look, shrugged and then left giving a glance back at the two before leaving. Skwisgaar tried to stand only to have Toki shove him back down.

"No, tell me why you took so long. Tell me the truth."

"Ofdensen said he would find you, everybody was looking for you"

"Everybody but you guys, right? You were doing drugs and having fun and fucking women. I was in a dark room getting beaten and starved and..."

"Toki you don't understand"

"What, what don't I understand?"

This time Skwisgaar did manage to get to his feet without the younger man pushing him down, but the way he stared at him said he would be more than happy to punch him again.

"We got scared, we got really fucking scared when Magnus took you. We didn't know if you were alive or not, it just seemed easier if we let Ofdensen and the rest of the world worry about it."

It sounded horrible even to himself, he couldn't blame him when he punched him this time. Toki left the room, Skwisgaar gave it a minute or two before he followed. He found the rhythm guitarist in the living room, he sat on the floor with his legs pulled up against himself and his head resting on his folded arms. His body shook with each sob, his whimpers and soft crying filling the large room. Skwisgaar sat down across from him.

"Toki I'm sorry, I am so fucking sorry; I don't have a good reason. I don't and you don't have to fucking forgive me. Be pissed off, beat the shit out of me if it makes it any better. I deserve it, I really deserve it."

Toki lifted his head to look at him, he looked sad and so very frightened.

"Magnus told me you guys didn't care, that you were all drinking and didn't care I was gone. I didn't believe him, I thought any minute you guys would save me, because we're like family. You only came, because you were losing money."

"That's not it, look fuck Magnus. You know he was lying, we care about you. I care about you. I'm a fucking coward that's why I didn't do anything, I was scared. I was scared that if we did find you that you would be dead and I don't know how I could live with that."

It was a thought that haunted him for the longest time now. He had never been able to handle the very thought of Toki dying, he was the youngest out of them, and the attachment Skwisgaar had towards him made the impossible thought seem all that much more worse. When he thought about it, thought about how if Magnus had killed him that it would be their fault for allowing it to happen. He couldn't live with that, he rather have spent his time stoned and out of his mind than thinking that his closest friend could possibly be dead somewhere.

"I can't lose you, I can't deal with that; you know I don't do good with this sort of thing. I keep thinking about it, how if we got there one minute later he would have killed you. If we had gotten there sooner you'd be okay and we'd be okay and if we'd never found you then you'd be dead and I don't like that. I don't ever want to lose you, I can't lose the one person I love."

"If you loved me you wouldn't have forgotten about me." The younger man whispered, he was determined to be angry no matter how lonely he currently felt.

"I never forgot you, you have no clue how many times I went into your room thinking you'd be there. I'd end up getting in you r bed and just waiting until I realized you weren't coming back."

He had spent way too many nights and mornings that way; he'd wake up hung over thinking he was coming down from a very bad high. He'd go into Toki's room expecting to find their sleeping rhythm guitarist only to find a very abandoned bedroom. He'd stand and wait for a little while until the realization he wouldn't come back would hit him, then he would climb into his bed and cry himself to sleep. It was hard to explain it when Nathan had caught him there one morning.

Skwisgaar placed a hand on top of Toki's right hand, the younger man took hold of the offered hand allowing the older guitarist to pull him forward until he was sitting on his lap with his head against his chest and arms wrapped tightly around his middle.

"I'm sorry I hit you" Toki pulled back to look at the older man's face.

Skwisgaar smiled at him, "Don't worry about it, it's fine. You don't hit as hard as you used to"

"I was holding back, even if I sort of hate you I love you too much to really hurt you."

After that things slowly worked their way to a new kind of normal. Toki talked more, not a lot, but more than nothing. The two men spent nearly every night sharing a bed, always falling asleep against each other; most times Toki slept facing away from him; he would be in the fetal position and nearly every night he cried. Skwisgaar learned more and he learned things he really wished he'd never heard and things that had never happened. The mental torture, the physical and even worse than that; he knew that if Magnus was still alive he would skin him alive for the things he'd said and the ways he'd touched the younger man. Skwisgaar just wanted him better again, as much as he could get. There were times he still would flinch or tense when touched or when there was a loud sound. Skwisgaar was by nature a very sexual creature, but he could hold off. He was more interested in his friend getting better; he was just happy to have him again. Though sometimes he had nightmares of his own.


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note: Hi everybody, this will be the last chapter. So now I will be solely focusing on Deeper Connection until something new pops into my mind. Lately I've been working more so on original little stories and poetry of my own, but I'm sure I'll figure out another one or three Metalocalypse fics in the near future.

The nightmare started the same way every single time and it wasn't as if it were all that long of a nightmare either. It was just the context and how real it was that filled his very being with this fear and panic he couldn't remember ever feeling before in his life.

It started with them finding the building where Toki and Abigail were being held captive, it went the way it had in real life. They managed their way through until they reached the room where they should have found their two friends tied to those crosses, still alive, and barely conscious. That's what they should have found, but not in the nightmare. In the nightmare they entered the room to find Abigail kneeling on the floor weeping, a thick metal collar around her neck, but the chain lead nowhere that they could see. There was a body attached to the cross, but it wasn't alive. Nobody spoke, Abigail's crying and the dripping of something possibly blood hitting against the concrete floor. Skwisgaar felt his mouth go dry, his throat tightened and his heart constricted in his chest. He didn't know if he wanted to drop to his knees and start to scream or break down crying, he couldn't look away and he wasn't sure he wanted to, because he didn't want it to be real. He found himself moving closer to the crucifix; it wasn't that much of a distance, but it felt like it took forever. He didn't know where the Assassin was or Magnus for that matter and he didn't care about them, not right now. He stared at the body nailed to the cross, rail road spikes going through blood soaked palms. Toki's lifeless eyes stared ahead at nothing, his face and hair was matted from the blood still pouring from his slit throat. Skwisgaar didn't really think about it, he couldn't think about anything; he wasn't there he was on autopilot. He pulled the spikes from his friend's hands doing his best to not pay attention to the wet crunch then the clatter of metal against the floor when he dropped them. He didn't allow his body to drop to the ground, he gently lay him down on the floor. Skwisgaar sat on the floor cradling Toki's body, he ran his shaking fingers through his bloodied hair remembering how soft and thick it used to be. His skin was cold, but it still had enough warmth to it to let him know that they had been so close and yet they had come late. He thought he heard Abigail whispering "I'm sorry" over and over again like she could have done something or like this was her fault.

How could she think that this was her fault? Skwisgaar had put him in the band back when he'd been a kid, he should have been the one always looking out for him, and taking care of him instead of teasing him. He had loved him though, he cared about him, and he knew that. Just not this past year, this past year he'd been in this Godless place. He'd been chained up like a dog and now...

Skwisgaar held the body close to him, as close as he could; he didn't think about the blood quickly seeping through his shirt making his skin grow sticky. He expected somebody to tell him to let him go, tell him that they needed to leave now, but they knew better than that.

"I'm sorry, please forgive me; I'm so fucking sorry. Wake up, why can't you just wake up? I came for you."

No matter how much he begged or cried there was no intake of breath, no heart beat, and no returned embrace.

Skwisgaar woke up crying, not as intensely as he had been crying by the end of his dream, but crying all the same. He sat up in his bed, despite the lack of clothing he felt hot and sweaty. He rubbed his hands over his face and groaned, he felt a cold shiver go up his spine and this split moment of panic. He looked over beside of him to find an all too familiar body lying next to him. Toki was alive, sleeping as usual he was curled up, his fingers twitching and a pained look on his face. Skwisgaar looked away from him relieved that he was alive, but a left over feeling of guilt was blooming in his chest making him feel like shit.

He hated that dream so much, he knew it was made of an old doubt. He used to think about it a lot before they had gone; what would have happened if they had been too late? It was always a possibility just like it had always been possible that they'd already been dead. It was one of the things that kept him from wanting to go find Toki, he didn't want to find out for himself. He would have preferred living a life full of guilt, misery, and drug addiction never knowing if his friend was alive or dead. He knew that was selfish and that was horrible, but it would have been better than that. The dream was too realistic, too terrifying for him to really be able to handle.

"Skwisgaar?"

Toki sat up looking at the older man with a look of concern on his face. He gently brushed the older man's cheek wiping away stray tears that were still falling from his eyes.

"Why are you crying?"

His voice was so soft and concerned, still laced with sleep. Skwisgaar felt a chill when the younger man touched him, he remembered how his skin had been cold in the dream. Toki had for the most part in the past months forgiven him, there were still times he wouldn't talk and times where he would yell and scream. It was understandable that he was upset, God who could blame him?

Skwisgaar had learned more and more about what had happened in this period of time. Enough to make him hate himself when he realized while Magnus had been telling Toki he deserved to be there, that it was all his fault, and that nobody could love something like him; while that had bee happening Skwisgaar had been getting stoned off of his ass. While that sick bastard had been touching his friend he'd been touching any woman in sight.

"I had a nightmare you died, we didn't find you quick enough." He answered

The answer was simple, but the words felt so strange on his tongue. Toki took hold of his hand lacing their fingers together. Skwisgaar looked at him and feigned a smile, looking at him was hard. He looked better, healthier now and mentally he was working his way to being okay or some resemblance of the word. He was becoming more and more comfortable with being touched, only by Skwisgaar so far. He felt some comfort when Toki climbed onto his lap, Skwisgaar wrapped an arm around his waist. His body was warm and heavy the opposite of the cold light dead weight from his nightmare. Toki still held onto his hand now busy with tracing his index along the palm of his hand.

"That was my biggest fear that we'd find you too late. I didn't want to find you like that."

"Magnus used to say the different ways he'd kill me, he said he wanted to wait for you guys to show up so he could make you watch."

"I kind of near the end wanted him to just do it already, everything hurt so badly, and I didn't think you guys were coming. I just believed him when he said you wouldn't, I didn't think you'd want me back after everything he did to me."

Skwisgaar ran his fingers through thick brown hair a small sign of comfort, it was the best that he could manage. He wasn't good at comforting or mending broken things; he wanted a way to make it better but he couldn't. He wanted something to say, something to let him know that it wasn't his fault and that it didn't matter what Magnus did to him, because he still wants to be with him.

"I have nightmares too, kind of the same really." He smiled sadly, he pushed his own hair back out of his face.

Skwisgaar felt a warmth fill him when Toki kissed him, it was gentle and longing, and he loved him so much. When it ended the two men smiled at each other, for a passing second everything in the past was forgotten. They kissed again, longer and deeper; Toki pushed him back onto the bed climbing on top of him. Fingers went through blond hair tangling and tugging slightly, lips trailed across the side of his neck, and hands moved from hair to his torso. As much as he wanted more, as much as he wanted to kiss and touch and worship every inch of him he was perfectly fine when it stopped. When Toki was back to lying by his side, holding his hand again.

"I love you" He whispered breath warm against the older guitarist's skin.

"I love you too"

The nightmare was far forgotten, he idly touched scars knowing without looking which were from what part of his life. There was a better chance of Toki forgiving him completely, forgiving all of them than there was of them forgiving themselves. There was always a shared but never spoken about guilt between the four of them for how they had so easily abandoned their friends. They could never explain it or excuse it, doing so made them feel more like shit than anything. Skwisgaar didn't even try, didn't want to; he accepted that he had fucked up horribly. He used to always wish that Toki could just be like the rest of them, but time and age hadn't really corrupted him that way. He was still young, much younger than the rest of them, and no matter how much they told him not to feel or get attached or to trust nearly anybody he came across it never stuck. It seemed to stick better now; he was shyer and more prone to depression than he had been before all of this happened. Skwisgaar missed how he used to be, but he could still see that in him. He loved him no matter what, he'd always had this overwhelming need to be close to him and to take care of him the best that he could. He would complain, he'd always complain when he'd have to watch after Toki; it didn't help his maturity level was never all that much higher than the younger male's. He didn't complain as much now when he was in charge of him, he didn't complain that the rhythm guitarist needed to sleep in his bed with him every single night. At firs the others had joked about it and said it was killing his sex life. Looks would be given by their band mates when they would see how close the two sat now, half of the time holding hands or Toki's head resting on Skwisgaar's shoulder. Nobody made fun of them, they realized how much comfort their young rhythm guitarist found in his friend, and left it at that.

Now lying in bed both of them wanting and trying to fall asleep, but sleep was evasive. Nightmares and bad memories were shoved away to allow the both of them at least a moment or two of sanity. They would kiss and talk, when they kissed and touched it was like they were trying to remember each other. When they spoke it was in Norwegian; it was nice talking in a language they both understood but nobody around them got a single word of. It brought them closer and amused them to no end how much it would anger and annoy their friends.

Skwisgaar kissed and touched scar coated flesh, the younger man shivering and occasionally moaning under his touch. He whispered to him how beautiful he was; he knew he hated the scars. He'd always hated his scars even when nobody knew what they were from, they used to tell him back when he was a teenager that the scars looked brutal. They made him look metal and tough, it seemed to have helped him even if just a little bit. Skwisgaar knowing the memories attached to each jagged mark knew it ran so much deeper, knew that he was afraid people would know what had happened to him. They would know what his father did to him, they would know what Magnus did to him. Skwisgaar wanted to make it hurt less, he wanted to make it all easier and better for him. He even found himself telling him that, telling him so many things. There used to be too many things he kept to himself, too many things he didn't tell him, because it felt stupid or he was afraid it would sound weird or dumb.

Some of the dumber comments made the younger man laugh, but he'd kiss him and whisper he loved him. Skwisgaar told him how he didn't want to lose him again and how missed how things used to be. They spent nearly an hour laying in bed kissing and sharing thoughts they kept to themselves for reasons that on evaluation seemed so fucking stupid now. Skwisgaar promised him they'd stay together this time, nobody would hurt him, he would get better, and he didn't want anybody else. He only wanted him.

Toki ended up falling asleep first; he fell asleep with his head resting against Skwisgaar's chest. The older musician continued playing with strands of brown hair then touching scars stopping at the dip of his back. He thought about it, thought about every single fucking thing in their lives. He waited to wake up back in their old dingy home they all shared back before Toki joined the band. He waited to wake up and realize this was a dream, years that never happened, and he wondered if the day of the audition if he'd still put the baby faced sixteen year old Norwegian kid in their band. He was pretty sure that he still would.


End file.
